Paraphrase

This is the feedback step, one of the most important parts of the LEAPS process. This is how you confirm that you really understand what the other person has said. Interestingly, in a conflict situation, where the other person is angry at you, simply repeating back what he or she just said has a calming effect. It’s almost like magic.

Something like: “If I understand you correctly, you said_[paraphrase what you think the other person said]___”

Even when the other person is already angry, he will subconsciously recognize his own thoughts, and will get the message that you are trying to empathize. If you do this right, the response will be an affirmation, and can increase rapport.

Next: Summarize

Ask

In order to communicate your empathy, it is necessary to ask questions. Your questions need to be neutral and obviously geared toward soliciting the other person’s viewpoint.

Of course, asking questions can be done in a manner that would increase rather than decrease the level of confrontation. Some guiding principles: 1) Ask questions that have answers which are simple facts. 2) Avoid the use of 1st-person or personal pronouns, and 3) (Sgt. Hilan Priddy’s favorite saying) “Do not use the words that spring most readily to your lips”.

Unfortunately, it is much easier to come up with examples of the wrong way to ask questions than it is to show the correct way. I will discuss some bad examples when I get to the summary.

Empathize

To have empathy for someone does not mean that you agree with that person. It means that you understand what that person is feeling, and perhaps why he (or she) feels that way. When you make an honest effort to achieve that type of understanding, you can actually build rapport with someone who is angry with you. That may sound strange, but I have actually been able to do exactly that myself.

I had thoughtlessly failed to include a co-worker in some discussions that were important to him, and he came to me, angry. When I realized why he was angry (I listened carefully to what he had to say — remember LISTEN?), I asked him some neutral questions, then admitted that I had screwed up. What might have been a very confrontational relationship became a good working partnership.

Another example that you might be able to relate to — the surly waitress. I once had a very rude waitress, which took me by surprise, but instead of retaliating by refusing to leave a tip, or becoming argumentative, I replied to her that it appeared to me that she was under a lot of stress that morning, and that if she wanted, she could handle her other customers and come back to me later. The almost immediate change in her demeanor was truly amazing.

An important tip on gaining rapport through empathy: You can’t just think to yourself that you are trying to understand. You must actively engage the other person, and make it clear that it is important to you that you understand what the other person feels, and why.

The best way to do that is to ask questions, which is the subject of the next post.